Any student has needs, this is a well-known fact. When we were young, we need food and drink, but as we matured and entered high school we discovered a new type of drink. Alcohol. Whether your first drink was a beer in your friends basement or a swig of hard liquor at a house party, you understood that this beverage had positive, and negative effects.
“Alcohol; the solution to, and cause of, most of life’s problems”- Homer Simpson
You made new friends; the guy with the two-four became an adopted brother to you and the girl on wobbly ankles became target #1. However, as we matured we adopted fake I.D’s and went to buy our own booze! We found favorites; a micro-brew or a flavored vodka, it didn’t matter because now you could buy it. However, like Spider-man, we realized that with great power came great responsibility. But unlike Spider-man this responsibility became budgeting your paycheck, and not whoopin’ Rhino ass.
Image taken right before Spidey went on his annual pub-crawl
This brings us to college life. During all of our education, most of us are broke, which means that the only thing we can afford with alcohol in it is Listerine, and although this choice leaves our hangover minty fresh, it’s best avoided. So we need to scrape together change in order to buy the basics, and this guide will assure you that you can get loaded with the bare minimum. Think of this as the ‘Survivorman’ of booze.
Scenario A:
The B.Y.O.B House Party
This party is normally held at someones house who cares enough about his friends to invite them over, but not enough to shell out for some liquor. In this situation your best bet is Olde English, the 40 oz. of malt liquor that has more nicknames than Lebron James. However there is a catch, remember that old rhyme you learned in highschool? Beer before liquor never been sicker, liquor before beer you’re in the clear. Right? Well forget it, here’s your new rhyme. Beer before liquor get drunk quicker, liquor before beer you’re a queer. Learn it, memorize it, use it. Since Olde English is more beer than liquor you’re gonna want to polish this baby off and follow it by bumming a shot of the hard stuff from a friend. This is going to insure that you’re loaded, but still only out $5 dollars max. The other great thing about a house party is that it’s not that hard to sneak some booze off your peers; so even if you show up dry, you could very easily leave in a Nick Nolte type state.
Scenario B:
The Bar/Pub/Club
This gets slightly more difficult as it actually requires you to exchange money for booze at the party. A simple way to get out of paying: bar bets. Here’s the one you need to use to guarantee a night of debauchery. You need:
- A glass
- A marker
- A napkin
Simply approach a group of people and ask them what they think is longer, the circumference of the rim of their glass or the height of said glass. Most will say about even. Stack something on top of the glass (cell phone, stack of coasters, anything) and ask them now. Most people will say that the stack of objects and the glass is taller than the circumference. Mark how high your tower is and then take a napkin and use it to measure the circumference, then unfurl it and show them that it really is taller than your tower. Collect your rewards and be on your way.
The thing is, the circumference is roughly 1.7 that of the height, so as long as you make sure your tower inst twice the size of the glass, you should be fine, and loaded. This video may explain it better.
So now you know how to ensure your intoxication night after night, while saving up for whatever you want!
Until Next Time,
keep it spazztic!
This Could Be You!
Posted by Slava Pastukhov 
